I am 22 years old. I feel like every experience in my life thus far has all added up to this period in my existence. I’ve finally figured out who I am. Well actually, I guess it’s not that intense. I’ve figured out how to figure out who I am.
Okay. I’m really over dramatizing this. Today I figured out that I have walls inside myself. They protect the sane me from the insane me. In the past 10 years or so, they’ve only been broken down a few times. I feel so bad for the poor people who have experienced this with me. Every time those walls have been damaged, I’ve responded with heart-breaking pain and hate and the desperation of years before.
I also figured out that I will never have successful relationships (romantic or otherwise) until those walls are torn down and all of the terrible emotions and experiences are handled and defeated one-by-one.
I’ve avoided this for so long, because like a wounded animal I only wanted to survive. I didn’t care that the wounds were hastily stitched and prone to breaking open again from time to time.
I also did’t care that I was building my life around a faulty foundation.
So now, I have this semi-decent life, but whenever I get close to other people these major fault lines begin to appear. I can never get completely close because I sabotage everything subconsciously. Heaven forbid I relive those days.
- Traveling down the east coast has definitely renewed some fervor in my soul. I feel happy. I feel like I want to work harder. I feel like I might be doing something right.
- I need to start taking more alone time to pursue my passions. Photographing for 9 days straight was so awakening.
- I need to move. I have said it so many times before. No need to expand on that.
- I am truly going to start being selective with my relationships. I want a few gems instead of a whole barrel of rocks, if you know what I mean. I have been surprised by some of the relationships I have lost or destroyed this year. My closest friend and confidant recently told me she is no longer interested in pursuing our relationship. It’s definitely rattled my world, but I deserve it. I failed to keep up with our friendship because I assumed she would always be there. But this will make me grow. Not having her to lean on has already begun to force me to be more independent. From here on out I am going to start over with the people I know and focus on those I love.
- I need to keep working hard. To add to my above comment, it seems that most people I know (not all) are very temporary figures in my life. My passions and dreams are not. Which should I focus on?
I’m a shitty friend. Seriously. I am a bad friend. I keep wishing there was a way to tell people that right off the bat.
"hi I’m Rachel, nice to meet you. Please don’t expect much of me, I am going to end up letting you down."
I am unavailable. I’m too busy to maintain good friendships. I will be there to listen and I will keep your secrets to the grave, but you can plan on seeing me once a month. I’m as loyal as they come and will always be on your side, but dont invite me to your social event because I won’t make it.
I leave for NYC in 9 hours and have not done laundry, not packed, I am still working on work and have an essay to write. Fuck. And I have contracted a severe head cold in the past 24 hours and haven’t slept more than 4 hours per night out of the last 12. Go hard.